How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.
The devil took him to the first room. The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again. The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man hurriedly asked for option 2. So they went to the next room. This room was filled with rocks. The man could make out Obama continuously smashing rocks. The devil said "That's his punishment. He must smash rocks for eternity. If you pick this room, you take his place." The man asked for option 3. This room was magnificent. It had a massive king size bed, a table full of delicacies and just the works. On the bed, the man saw Trump having sex with Mia Khalifa. The man jumped with joy and exclaimed "This room! I pick this room!" "Are you sure?" the devil asked "Yes definitely!" "Okay then, Mia you can leave. This man here will be taking your place."
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded