How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
And boy are my arms legs
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Then it dawns on me
but no one will do it
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
The cornea the better
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Can’t hear a vitamin
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
The plot thickens.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Because he has green thumbs
If it were served warm it would be justwater
A slice of blue cake!!!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
Because people are exorcising.
Just add a G and it’s gone
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
I just came to that realization.