How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
ten-tickles.
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.