What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
Why do people in Athens hate waking up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
My Hungarian boss’ favorite joke
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village. The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door. "Please madam," says our spy in perfect Russian, "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay." "Well you can't stay here," says Babushka. "You are an American spy." Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this." And he dances his perfect kalinka. "You dance well," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam," he says. "I can prove it for certain." He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing. "You hold your vodka," says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy." "Alright," sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka – how did you know I'm an American spy?" "You are black."
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.