How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing.
It is on the house.
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
Hookers don’t fart
They let out little prosti-toots
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.