How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
It really makes my day.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
No text found
A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent. The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is. The IRS agent meets the guy and tells him he has dozens of huge lumps of income with no taxes paid and no explanation. These were deposits of 1000, 5000, even 75000 dollars. The guy listened and offered an explanation. “I make bets with people, and I tend to win” The IRS agent found this very hard to believe. “You expect me to believe that? Someone make a 75 grand bet and paid it?” The guy offered an example. “I’ll bet you a thousand bucks right now that I can bite my own eye” The IRS agent thought to him self and accepted the bet. Thinking it was impossible. So the guy took out his glass eye, bit it, and put it back in his head. The IRS was shocked The guy offered another bet. “You don’t know me and that was unfair. I’ll bet you 5 grand I can bite my other eye” The IRS agent thought that would surely be impossible. He saw the man drive to his office with the lawyer. And he was the one driving. So he accepts the bet. The guy then takes out his false teeth, bites his other eye and puts them back in his mouth. The IRS agent was shocked. The guy offered him a way to break even. “I’ll bet you 6 thousand dollars I can pee into that coffee cup on your desk from across the room without getting a drop on the floor” Thinking it’s impossible and wanting his money back he accepts again. So the man stands against the far wall, gets ready to pee, and just end up peeing all over the agent’s carpet and chairs and walls. Only a drop landed in the cup. The IRS agent was ecstatic. Jumping up and down, cheering, and just excited he didn’t owe this guy 6 grand anymore. Then he spots the lawyer in the corner. “Why do you look so upset? Your clients free to go. No more investigation.” The lawyer gets up and says, “He bet me 200 thousand dollars on the way here that he’d pee all over your office and you’d love it.”
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
I told her it's about time.
I’m a cashew
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
They both died to become the icon of saving
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
But it just kept ringing.
is a non-prophet organization.
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
Turn off the lights.
He likes to keep up with current events.
When it becomes apparent
Because it saw the salad dressing!