How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.
Shit, wrong thread.
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.