How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
