How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
So we can think about a solution in silence.
I haven’t heard from him since
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end." The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead." Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket." When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
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The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
It was quite the oar deal.
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
Nothing. It’s on the house.
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
I can’t wait to see them all
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
The way they pronounce unionized