How much is wrong with this photo?
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…
I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.