How much money is inside the ATM?
80M
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
What rises when you sit on it?
A camel.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll