How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.
A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt. The American can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “dude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.” The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.” “What do you mean? Those aren’t American customs.” “Yes they are,” Chinese replied. “Man at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.”
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
What does a house wear?
Address
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
![All it takes is a little human sacrifice. [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/nxqgdu7oues41-400x400.png)
My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
