“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
A Husband Whispers in his Wife’s Ear at the Bar
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!" OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
