How pro life works.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
