How south is South Africa?
South AF
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable