How the fuck did i get 50k upvotes on r/funny from this shitpost?
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk
I asked if she wanted it pasteurized. She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.