how them Demo-rats celebrating tonight hyuck hyuck hyuck
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!” Suddenly,everything–the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
I don’t like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.
It's almost up to 5 TB.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy
At least that’s what her diary said
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
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