How to decode the president.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
No text found
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?" "I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak … "Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I suppose."
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
https://ift.tt/2SLiwid
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁