How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 5:
Step 8:
Step 14:
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
A monkey is smoking a joint
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’