How to get rid of the virus…
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I don’t remember the rest.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
An influenzer.
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
