How to go to class without going to class
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
“You took too much acid.”
In the Ark hives
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
It only feels like a maternity
I think it's just a stage he's going through.
They both died to become the icon of saving
Why must it be a group activity?
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club. Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initiation was quite possibly the most dangerous stunt you could pull; however, if you passed, you got a really sharp looking leather jacket with a clam patch on the back. Everyone wanted to be in the Cool Clam Club. Three clams decided they would try their shell at joining the Cool Clam Club. Their names were Justin, Travis, and Griffin. They all knew the initiation was difficult, but they've been watching from the sidelines for far too long. What is this tough initiation you may ask? Every day at around sunfall the tide would rise. The rising tide would cause the old wooden dock to rise up for a few moments, then come crashing down back into the shore. To join the Cool Clam Club, a clam must take a running start, slide under one of the large wooden legs of the dock, and come out the other side unscathed. "Simple," thought all three clams. They had seen this initiation many times before, they knew the techniques and the wet and wild stunts. The Justin clam went first. He observed the rising and falling of the post. He took a deep swig of water. He towards his destiny. WOOSH! The Cool Clam Club received the Justin clam with open arms. He passed initiation and the leather jacket was his! Surely, he must be the coolest clam in town! Travis clam, upon seeing his fellow clam claim the jacket, was happy. But he knew that he was next. The dock rose, it fell, it rose… WOOSH! The Travis clam had made it! He hugged the Justin clam, cheers erupted around him, and the jacket was his. Griffin looked at the two other clams on the other side of that large wooden post. He was getting nervous. His tiny stomach began to hurt out of nervousness. Alas! If Justin and Travis had made it through, surely he could make it as well! The Griffin clam backed up to get a head start. He looked at the dock, nervous still. The Cool Clam Club looked on with interest at this. They all clenched the lapels of their cool leather jackets, for they all wanted the littlest clam to join their ranks. The Griffin clam looked at the dock. The large wooden pillar rose. It fell. It rose… SPLAT! The post fell upon the Griffin clam and the littlest clam was no more. Now, my friends, you may be wondering what killed the Griffin clam. The other two clams had made it through without a scratch, so then, why did the Griffin clam fail? Pier pressure. Edit: formatting
a pain in the ass
She said "They're right behind you".
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
Extra Karma… I hope.
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
What a bunch of sick fucks
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
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In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
You can hide but you can't run!
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
Neither have eye
A roamin' Catholic!
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."