How to kill a joke
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
I’ve been seeing these all over my Pinterest. They’re cards on sale for about 14$.
https://ift.tt/2QZpNKM
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
![[Legit] Facebook friend is single, ladies](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/ccgn3unc5ao11-400x205.jpg)
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
