How to make the wealthy show support for their nation.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.