How to make the wealthy show support for their nation.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
I know where to draw the line..
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
Now she’s a medium.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
It’s not hard
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
Because they were not E
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
He said “Genius”
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
A) No B) A little C) Señor
he felt his presence
He orders everyone a round.
Because they lactose.
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up