How to quarantine millennials.
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
Having gay parents must be the worst
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”