How to use a sandwich cutter caw caw
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.
The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Genie: OK, I’m ready for your third wish.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.