How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
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How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
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You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!