How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
A redneck wrestler
has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down. "Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "One more thing," says the coach. "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold." The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch. Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory. Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk. "What happened out there?" asks the coach. "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won. How?" "Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit fown." "Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach. "Not exactly," said the wrestler. "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."
What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world