How World War 3 will end
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?
He lost the other in Nom.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.