People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
For a walka walka walka
Because he hated capitalism.
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
He's being smog
A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. "I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker." "Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too…my penis is the size of a newborn." The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. "I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked. He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs…are you ready?"
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
They're always plotting something.
A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… "Ere ye go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree…so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
and then it dawned on me
Then it just clicked.
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
His name is Tim
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
I can’t afford anything.
They are on standbi
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
He lost track of thyme…
Walking JK, Rolling
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
The horse says "Sure."
Because 6, 7 8…
They're just trying to fill a hole.
Two test tickles.
Because they are very pi-ous