My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.

My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest

My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.