How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
Loch Down Monster.
Three married men are complaining about their wives.
The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….
You might like it but idk I’m no psi-chic
“not republican, I’m libertarian” starter pack
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
The pinna(cle) of success
The only true option
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Well, it’s not wrong.
Meanwhile in Lebanon
Sorry Vegans (posted by my grandfather)
I feel alone
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
Haha dog being sexual like owner.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
I always LoL at Garfield.
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
Found on Facebook
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
I’m a 90s kid and I still face this issue!
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
A restaurant nearby…people have trouble finding the exit
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Attempt 1, Attempt 2, Attempt 3 after google image search.
So that’s what happened!
My mother showed this to me almost crying laughing…
Fridays be like
Too much of free time
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Boomer humor I actually enjoyed
Book good facebook bad
Let alone algebra, I can’t even add numbers anymore
Husband good winter bad
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
Was just sent this gem by my grandma
Beer good wife nagging
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
Idk if this fits here, but oh well will I try
In his grandfather’s overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
Non-ionizing electromagnetic radiation
The man in the middle is Stackoverflow 😂
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
Haha technology bad
Stupidity NOT NULL
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
Every. Single. Time.
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
I mean seriously
My mom is a boomer now.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
miss those days tbh
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Nancy “Burn This Motherfucker Down” Pelosi
I did an oopsie
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
Cult culture can never be underestimated
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.