He was wrong on many levels.
Make me one with everything.
Turns out I came early.
A receding hairline.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Because you're not around.
and it's fucking discussing.
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Because they are not when wolves
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
I was shocked
A private tutor
Me and my recliner go way back.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
…does it still count as a shock?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
The rest, as they say, is History.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
They turnip the beets
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
By walking… JK rolling