How’s the weather?
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
In the shower they notice that there are no soap. One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back… 3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue".. Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped" One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it…. The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars The nun concludes then, that it is no statue…. It actually is a soap machine!! The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap! The third nun pulls it once…. Nothing… Pulls it twice….. Nothing…. Pulls it thrice…. Nothing… Pulls it again and again and again…. And finnaly marveled she says: "Lord be praised… It also gives shower gel!!"
It was a coughee cake.
they keep eating their bats…
"Five beers please."
I'm in a lot of Paine.
She keeps asking how my food is.
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
It goes back four seconds.
The Marinara Trench
r/dadjokes on you!
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
Because it’s only interested in current events.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Those were the Good Years.
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
Good players are hard to find.
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.