“HTML codes”
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
Remember this scene?
Remember this scene?
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
How does a farmer count his cows?
He uses a COWculater.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?