Huge Fraud
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
It’s capital has been Dublin every year.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”
It’s so sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as …
A pack of feral hogs
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."