HUGE sink leak tonight 😢
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Because they can't multiply.
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Because x was always 10.
Me: *updates Discord*Discord: Seems like you’re trying to sign in from another computer.Me: Ehm, I’m not actually.Discord: Please solve these 20 CAPTCHA images.Me: Fine…Discord: Good job! Now click the link in the mail we’ve sent you.Me: *checks mail*Gmail: No new mail, sorry pal.Me: *goes through the unnecessarily complicated process of forcing Gmail to check for new mails on a connected POP3 account*Gmail: No mail from Discord.Me: *sigh* *checks Outlook*Outlook: Looks like you’re trying to login from another computer.Me: I am not!Outlook: Please check your backup mail address for an authentication code.Me: Google?Gmail: Don’t look at me. No new mail.Me: *forces Google to check for new mails on another POP3 account*Gmail: Ah, there it is.Outlook: Nice one.Me: … Why the hell is the Discord Mail in the junk folder?Outlook: It looks suspicious.Me: Wha- It is not spam!Outlook: Oki-dokie, I put it in your inbox for you.Me: Thanks for doing your job I guess… Google?Outlook: Why don’t you just use me.Me: There is no way I’m rewarding you for this BS.Outlook: But-Me: *closes tab*Gmail: No new mail.Me: Check the f-ing POP3 accounts!Gmail: One new mail. \o/Me: Finally. *clicks on link*Discord: Link expired.Me: … *throws the computer out the window*
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
A neigh-sayer. 😛
It was about time.
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
It’s a total rip-off!
They always bring their eh game
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
My bosses tie
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
Cause people are dying to get in.
You can’t see in the dark
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.