Hugggge bitch, the bigliest of bitches
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there? Im Shore you did, but can’t kelp it but laugh
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."