Huh..
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Several copies of The Age of Reason and Common Sense fell on me.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes…
Religion brought them together
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.