Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?” Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.