Humpty Dumpty is happy
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs