Humpty hd a great fall 🍂
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
She looked surprised.
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
It was just collecting dust anyway.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
Ahhh, those were the days.
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
How do I get rid of it?
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
I avoid meet.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
That way I can set my own hours.
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
The Ark hives.
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime