Hunches trump data.
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.