Hur dur technology a nono
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
Constipation is when your body just doesn’t give a shit.
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I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.”
So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know…" he says to the gorilla."We don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them? Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
2 pilots meet
300 people died
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Where is the safest place in your house during a zombie apocalypse?
The Living Room! Credit goes to this old man at my job. He's full of em.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
I hate two things
math
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
