Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
This is so basic it hurts!!!
Worst Alternate Universe President Ever
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
It’s a cult….
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
precious moments of clarity
lets take another shot at this
Don’t program while tired. You’ll end up making stupid mistakes.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
CDC website no longer reports the number of confirmed cases in each state.
Found in my parents own home.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
A wine to solve old people problems
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
Crazy sock day
Found in the wild
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
Perspective is a helluva thing
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
5/20/20 – McConnell vows end to enhanced COVID-19 unemployment benefits
Looking Up Bugs on Google
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
That’s my secret, I’m always ardea herodias
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
TSA – Trump Sycophancy Administration
What’s the joke
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
XSS, I choose you!
Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
I am ready maryam!
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Then I remembered
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
Actual footage of Bernie “Force Choking” Biden
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Wile E. Coyote in the wild
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
How to stop the robots
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
It do be like that
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
This might be why…
Say hello to your new overlord, the Great NVIDIA Installer
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Tester & Developer relationship
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What does a lawyer wear to court