Husband good winter bad
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
"I can't complain" He said.
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.