Husband just cant see.
A man dies and goes to hell.
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity" He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee. He says to himself "…well I guess I could get used to the smell." After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, βIβm an orphan, your honor.β
Thereβs a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
Theyβll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout βforeβ…
Then it hit me.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, βIf I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?β I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. βWellβ I said, βIf he can get out of that, weβll call him Houdiniβ.
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Whatβs Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesnβt speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya honβ, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
βHey officer, how did the hackers escape?β
βNo idea, they just ransomware.β
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
I yelled, βCOW!β at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
Why donβt blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the βwormβ welcome God: creates birds
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweaterβ¦
I didn't even know they could knit!
So it turns out dogs canβt operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.