Husband lazy.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
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My Tinder match said sheโd talk to me again when she got home…
Guess sheโs homeless.
Whatโs the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says โuno, dosโฆโ poof. He disappeared without a tres.
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
Whatโs green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
I want to hear 99 people sing โAfricaโ by Toto.
Itโs something that a hundred men or more could never do.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, heโs not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
He had a sense of humour! Said his brother is Robin Yashed!
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didnโt show.
I hope she gets the message that weโre not working out.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
โHow are you mate?โ โYeah Iโm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.โ I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said โYour dadโs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond โGet away with ya… Prove it.โ I shouted downstairs โHey, mate! Both of them?โ He shouted back โOf course both of them! Whatโs the point in fucking one?โ EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officerย looked in the back of the manโs truck and said, โWhy are these penguins inย your truck?โ The man replied, โThese are my penguins. They belong to me.โ โYou need to take them to the zoo,โ the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulledย him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they wereย wearing sunglasses this time. โI thought I told you to take theseย penguins to the zoo!โ the officer said. โI did,โ the man replied. โAnd todayย Iโm taking them to the beach."
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
Theyโll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."