hUsbAnD nO gOoD iN kiTchEn
My wife left me because Iโm too insecure
No wait, sheโs back She just went to make a cup of coffee
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Touretteโs syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
3 Beers
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." โIt hasn't affected my brothers though."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9โs death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7โs house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9โs body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
Son: โDad, are we pyromaniacs?โ
โYes, we arson.โ
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldnโt make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
There was two windmills in a field
One asked the other โWhat type of music do you like?โ The other replied โWell Iโm a big metal fanโ
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
Whatโs the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..Oneโs a Corona virus and the otherโs a Verona crisis.
Why did the sperm go to class?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I canโt wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it