Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
[Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
Finally, something he's earned
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them." Sylvester says, "Let us hear it." So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
Quacks in the pavement.
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
Sometimes he laughs … :/
It's a crisis
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
I don't know. I'll escalator.
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
The rotation of the earth
He could binomial!
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
They didn’t do anything
He wants to become a web designer.
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Tickets are non-refundable…
It was an ether/oar situation.
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
He had a bright idea
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