Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
Lego stores have finally reopened in the midst of COVID-19…
and people are lined up for blocks.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear
is sphere itself
