I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
Want to hear a joke about Construction?
I'm still working on it.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Dad jokes
But usually he's pretty serious
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.