I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
The other day I asked my mom how many ‘a couple’ was,
"Two or three" she said. I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD